Regardless, I chose to still stay around as a friend, supporting you through this season and helping you with whatever you need. But still, it wasn't enough. You got angry that I refused to test mattresses with you for your new house. Have you ever wondered, how would you feel if I had asked you to help me test a mattress meant for Caralyn and me? Don't you think that it's a little too much?
Yet, every single small thing that I mention about Richard and you triggers an outburst from you. You have been allowed to throw tantrums and step all over me, all the while ignoring the patience I've had for you these 4 months.
You claim that you are being pushed to Richard because of my actions. Actions like still meeting Caralyn, or spending time with her, or having a mental breakdown which you are unwilling to help me through. But yet, even in good times, you are still doing things with him, sometimes even sinful things. You made me feel like the one responsible for your sins, and even made me suicidal for that. You made me feel like I didn't deserve to be loved by Caralyn or you.
It doesn't make sense that you say being with me is difficult because of the sin of being with a married individual. Because one doesn't leave a "sinful" relationship to enter into another "sinful" relationship with Richard. But yet, that's what you're doing. You claim your heart's desire is me, but your mind is telling you to choose him. Choosing your mind over your heart hurts much more, yet you "chose to follow your mind" despite claiming that you love me in your heart. Do you really, though?
Choosing either one of us results in sin. Yet you chose him. It's hard to believe that I'm in your heart with the things that you're doing with him.
I think this might just be one-sided after all. I tagged this song "Red Scarf" by WeiBird to this post because there are so many parts of it that remind me of us. How we kept missing our chances because you refused to take the plunge. I've always taken the plunge, but whenever I did, you never wanted to follow. It also talks about finding the one you love in a sea of humans - the exact same situation that happened in Jiufen Taipei, where we miraculously found each other in the maze of shops.
It also talks about how if there isn't this "if", that waiting for the "red line" to connect us again is the only way. I have spent so much time crying over this song because I feel like it is a direct representation of my regrets and "what ifs". Yet, it also feels like I'm the only one feeling this way.
I think, I really need to let you go. I can't afford to wait around for you to be done with Richard while I keep this marriage suspended in the unknown. The only chance is for us to take the plunge together right now, and you should know that the longer this drags, the harder it is to divorce. By the time you're done testing/trying with Richard, this marriage would've been too deep to annul. Since this is your choice, then this is how we end. Because the choice is in your hands now, and this is the choice you're making for the both of us. This is how our future together, changed from being a possibility, into an impossibility.
Our possible future, just got erased by your decision to stay with him. I wished you understood the gravity of your decision. But somehow, I think you don't. You keep assuming our future lies in the things I do, but in reality, the power has always been in your own hands.
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