The Private Reflections

 After crashing on your bed after consuming your meds last night, I got woken up at 8AM when you finally came back after staying over at his place. I wanted to head home and not bother you but I was extremely drowsy and unable to walk straight. So I stayed, and tried to find out what happened. Apparently, you claimed you only accepted to be his girlfriend after you decided to stayover. You said you were coming back at 1150PM last night, but when I told you I was having a panic attack and need some help, you decided to disappear. I guess that was when you decided to head back to his place and when you agreed to be his. It's honestly a little hard to believe how sudden it is, and how I was left to fend for my panic attack alone, collapsed at the carpark, while you had the time of your life gaining a new boyfriend. Either way, I am forced to accept that this is what it is. We still had to continue with our plan for the day which was to go over to your new house to wait for a delivery ...

Yesterday (24 March) you went back to the office. But after work, you pretty much disappeared and I got worried something might’ve progressed between you and him. I decided to cycle over to your place and by some sheer coincidence, we met at the outdoor carpark as you had just came back. Sheer coincidence or fate, I don’t know considering how you usually use the sheltered walkway instead of walking via the open carpark. You lied that you only spent time eating at a coffeeshop with him and then headed to get a drink and sit in his car. But after awhile, you confessed that you had actually gone over to his place today. I really don’t know how to feel about this, it feels like a repeat of Alvin all over again. You claim nothing happened when you went over, but you didn’t want to give any details about what happened. So honestly, I’m quite hurt because it felt like something happened and progressed. Because today, you’re planning to meet him again for dinner, even though you did casually ...

Today you asked me out for lunch. It was a little strange because you’ve spent the past 2 days pushing me away. You had been cold and wanted us to set physical boundaries. But either way, today I thought it’d be nice if I was the one driving instead so I drove over at 12 to pick you up and we headed over to Beach Road Prawn Noodles at East Coast Road. After that I sent you home and we did our own things for a bit and napped for about an hour.   When we woke up we spent the rest of the night planning for your kitchen in your new house and grabbed a quick dinner. We spent time together all the way until 11pm mostly planning for your house. It was a strange day today, because you backtracked a little on what you wanted us to stop doing. You allowed us to stroke each other and hug each other. But the harsh reality came when I see that you’re still texting him that you miss him. You claim it’s weird to tell him you don’t, so you had to reply and say that you do. Honestly it hurts qui...

Today things felt different. I went over with lunch that you ordered but maybe because of your work stress, it didn't feel good. It wasn't an extremely blissful time spent together. After lunch you also revealed that if I were to back out even so slightly, that you might end up with him instead in a matter of days. It felt like y ou were willing to let me go, and weren't holding on to me as strongly as you did previously over the weekend. Today really really hurt a lot, but I couldn't show the true depth of my hurt because that would affect you and your work. Later on at 1030pm, I asked if I could go over for 5 minutes. We ended up spending half an hour at your place, with you voicing out your unhappiness due to your work stress. You blamed me for not leaving when you asked me to, when you wanted to start on work in the afternoon. You blamed me for telling you to seduce me more even though you were the one who started pouncing on me first in the afternoon and said you l...

Today you asked me out to follow you to take a look at doors for your new place. You came at 5pm to pick me and we headed to Queensway Shopping Centre to choose the gate and door. We also spent time grabbing a drink before heading over to your new house to do measurements. It really felt like we were a married couple, going about the busy planning for our family. After that we headed to Bedok Mall to have our dinner at Sushiro. I think it has been quite a while since we've had food that wasn't that cheap. The experience felt nice. After that we went back to your place where we spent more time together until 1am. Today was magical, and I loved it. It gave me a glimpse of how life would be like with you, if we were married. I liked it.

Today felt like a second chance. We got to spend time together again when you asked if I would be okay to head over for a nap. I went over at 10pm and we talked and talked until 1am, before deciding to try to sleep. It honestly felt fantastic, because we were no longer arguing but loving each other, and focusing ourselves on each other only. Even when we did it that night, there was so much passion that it was just crazily amazing, possibly the best time we ever had together in bed. I could only sleep in till 5am but that was still better than nothing, and it was nice that we got to spend time like that together. However, as I walked back, I did a prayer walk. Because I'm scared. I do not know if this is the right direction that You have planned for me. I spent 20+ minutes talking to God and praying hard that he will show and guide me towards His will. Am I supposed to go through with this divorce to be with you, or am I supposed to trust you with him, and work on my own marriage? ...

Today is the day i went over with subway for lunch that you had ordered on Grab and I went to pick it up. I also prepared my final letter to you. While we were eating, I was an emotional wreck, but you assured me that things might change. There was a chance for an alternate ending. Today is the day he comes back from his business trip from Vietnam. You were planning to pick him up from the airport as a surprise. We had our lunch, and you brought me into your room to talk. You showed me card that you wrote in January 2018. You wrote this card hoping to pass it to me, but eventually didn't and kept it. In it you wrote that you have found a "gem", and that "gem" is me. Apparently while we were arguing and talking the previous night, Kitten had been plucking things out from your rack, and this card was one of them that Kitten plucked and dropped. It seemed like a sign from Kitten to remind you of our love. You spent the rest of the time assuring me that you would tr...

Today we had lunch at Lor 8 industrial park and travelled over to IKEA. We tried to shop for furnishings and inspirations for your new house. For the duration there, we talked about which furnitures would suit us and what would work well for your house. For those few hours, we were lost in the moment. We forgot that he's a possibility and we lived in the moment as if we were already married and we were shopping for our new family together. We talked about how we'll live together, the names for our kids, and the spaces we'll have. The moment was unlike any we ever had in the past, and that made me tear. No tears of sadness, but tears of happiness while lost in this blessed moment. But alas, once we got to your place, there wasn't much for us to look forward to. Reality came crashing down and your decision to be together with him tomorrow when he's back from Vietnam was set. In the evening, I came back to surprise you but you were happily on the phone with him on a vi...

Today was the day you chose a phone call with him in Vietnam over me. I had told you I was going to head out with her for awhile to get something from town, and I think you were troubled and decided to nap. When you woke up, I asked if you'd wanna see me and you said you still wanted to. I prepared myself and started heading out 2 hours later, but you texted to say that you'll be on a call with him. I said I'm already on my way but all you said was "sorry". Apparently you had indirectly confessed to him and also had him to confess his feelings back. I think this was the day you felt that there wasn't a single hope for us anymore, and that your future with me no longer exists. I came over and spent 2-4am (17 March) at your place, only to make things worse for us with my constant pressuring for you to reconsider. I guess that that'll be the end, and I'll need to treasure the last moments we'll be left with.

 Today was another day I decided to surprise you. I took a bus over to find you but on the way there, you suddenly told me that you were going to head out for dinner with him. It was similar to a case of who you would choose if both of us appeared. It seems like you made a clear cut choice, because you chose to head out with him. It was a turning point for me. I alighted from the bus halfway at Blk 102 Jln Rajah, and sat below that block for 1 hour, typing out my heartfelt words to you. My realisation was that you were no longer Jerique, but you were Wish. My realisation as I typed these to you: " The reason i did everything i did the past 2 months, i did it for Jerique.  Jerique used to ask me out. Jerique would ask when she can see me again. Jerique would worry about me when I’m sick or unwell. Jerique was so impulsive, she wanted to immediately cab down to a foreign hospital just to look after me even though she is shy and weary in foreign countries. Jerique had immeasurabl...

Today was the first time in a long time where you screamed into my face. We were talking about an incident which you brought up and I couldn't remember it the way you did. You also called me a sex addict, someone who constantly joked and told you about sex. But that's what couples do, don't they? They share everything, even from the most mundane and minute details of their day and feelings to the major highs and lows of their day. But that was not how you saw us. You said firmly "no, we aren't a couple and I don't see you that way". You refused to listen to anything I say and refused to find a middle ground. Somehow, no matter how much good you do, it only takes one bad incident to erase your entire worth to someone. Today, I became a nothing. The multiple times I surprised you at your doorstep, the times I took time out of my schedule to spend time with you, all erased today. The most painful part? When you refused to acknowledge that I didn't walk a...