Game Over

Yesterday (24 March) you went back to the office. But after work, you pretty much disappeared and I got worried something might’ve progressed between you and him. I decided to cycle over to your place and by some sheer coincidence, we met at the outdoor carpark as you had just came back. Sheer coincidence or fate, I don’t know considering how you usually use the sheltered walkway instead of walking via the open carpark.

You lied that you only spent time eating at a coffeeshop with him and then headed to get a drink and sit in his car. But after awhile, you confessed that you had actually gone over to his place today. I really don’t know how to feel about this, it feels like a repeat of Alvin all over again. You claim nothing happened when you went over, but you didn’t want to give any details about what happened. So honestly, I’m quite hurt because it felt like something happened and progressed. Because today, you’re planning to meet him again for dinner, even though you did casually mention you could meet me on friday night. 


I feel like all this is almost a guaranteed lost hope. You said you were unwilling to let him go. You said you were very interested to try and get together with him.


I honestly feel like I’m just being played.


It hurts a lot, and logically I should let go. But my heart is unwilling. I wish my heart can.


Later on at night, I cycled over at 1130 and you weren't home. I ran over to the carpark to see if your car was around and if you were actually already home but I couldn't see. But your car wasn't there. Your whatsapp was offline for 3 hours. I asked if you were at his place again but you were being evasive. I was having a major panic attack, one that I haven't felt since Sherri left me. I collapsed at the carpark and my Apple Watch beeped multiple times about unusually high heart rate despite zero activity. I told you about it but you simply went offline and left me to fend for myself. Eventually when you decided to reply 1.5 hrs later at 130am, you said you refused to come back and said you can't. Even if you did, you'd only be back super late. You did offer for me to go into your room to help myself with your anxiety medicine and pat Kitten. So I went in, showered, and took your meds. I texted and asked if you're attached alr, and that's when you replied "mmhmm". I don't know how to describe that feeling, but it was extremely devastating. Somehow I managed to crash on your bed and sleep after 20-ish minutes. Somehow the medicine only helped me to crash, but didn't help me to calm down.

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