The Final Night

Today we had lunch at Lor 8 industrial park and travelled over to IKEA. We tried to shop for furnishings and inspirations for your new house. For the duration there, we talked about which furnitures would suit us and what would work well for your house.

For those few hours, we were lost in the moment. We forgot that he's a possibility and we lived in the moment as if we were already married and we were shopping for our new family together. We talked about how we'll live together, the names for our kids, and the spaces we'll have. The moment was unlike any we ever had in the past, and that made me tear. No tears of sadness, but tears of happiness while lost in this blessed moment.

But alas, once we got to your place, there wasn't much for us to look forward to. Reality came crashing down and your decision to be together with him tomorrow when he's back from Vietnam was set.

In the evening, I came back to surprise you but you were happily on the phone with him on a video call. I'd be lying to say I feel fine watching you enjoy your moments with him. You weren't happy to see me though. You were conflicted. But you still told me to hang on for awhile while you finish up your call. It was quite painful to see because it was like a school kid having his way with his first crush on the phone. There was bliss and happiness evident in the video call and reluctance to hang up.

Either way, you still ended the call and let me in.

But as the night progressed and we talked, I had more revelations about how everything I saw was wrong. You mentioned that in our current situation, "who is chasing who?". That hit me hard, because I realise our expectations have been mis-matched from the start. Because it's true, Wish doesn't love me the way Jerique did. Wish will never chase Kevin. Wish might chase Richard, but not Kevin. That was a painful revelation I had. I had been chasing Wish this whole time, thinking I've been chasing Jerique, and expecting some from of reciprocation, but the fact is that Wish isn't chasing me, hence there is no need for her to show or return anything. If I were to continue, it would need to be me chasing Wish, and it would be mostly one-sided. It's a fact I found hard to accept, but I had to. It is what it is.

I told you our life was like a movie. Because you said all you wanted and hoped, was for me to have a clean cut with her, before you'd be willing to let go of him completely. But on my end, I was hoping that you'd have a clean cut with him, for me to be able to proceed with the divorce. You were angry and didn't wanna believe our life was like a drama. But in reality it was, and none of us were willing to start with the clean cut. If only we both started our clean cuts, we'd be together by now.

It was also tonight where you casually asked if I wondered why my career had been smooth all along before I married her. You said it's because you have always been praying for me. This suddenly hit me quite hard because I remember praying really really hard for you back in early December that someone will come along and look after you, take care of you, and be the complete opposite of me. I prayed really hard that he will be able to make you smile and be happy for the rest of your life. It was today, that I realised my prayers have worked. 

I had no choice but to leave broken.