Is Our Time Ending Again?

Today things felt different. I went over with lunch that you ordered but maybe because of your work stress, it didn't feel good. It wasn't an extremely blissful time spent together.

After lunch you also revealed that if I were to back out even so slightly, that you might end up with him instead in a matter of days. It felt like you were willing to let me go, and weren't holding on to me as strongly as you did previously over the weekend. Today really really hurt a lot, but I couldn't show the true depth of my hurt because that would affect you and your work.

Later on at 1030pm, I asked if I could go over for 5 minutes. We ended up spending half an hour at your place, with you voicing out your unhappiness due to your work stress. You blamed me for not leaving when you asked me to, when you wanted to start on work in the afternoon. You blamed me for telling you to seduce me more even though you were the one who started pouncing on me first in the afternoon and said you liked how I look. I said earlier that you should do it more since you liked it, but tonight you flared up and indirectly blamed me that we are doing things we shouldn't be doing. It feels like a repeat of 2nd March, where everything suddenly becomes my fault again. You also said you hate the feeling that you have 2 options now, and you're unwilling to let go of him. I honestly don't know how far you have progressed with him, but it certainly doesn't sound like it's only a crush or an unofficial relationship. It honestly sounds much more than that if you're unwilling to let him go. You also said you don't want to make any decisions now, you can't decide if you want me to stay or leave. But your tone sounded like you were hoping I would say that I wanna leave. You said you didn't wanna hurt me, but you didn't wanna break his heart too. But I think it felt like we both knew you would choose to break mine instead, since I was the one who hurt you before.

I feel unfair. Because when I was busy during the week of 7th March, I still dragged myself out to follow you and view your house with the ID. When I was busy with work, your feelings faded for me. But when you're busy, I'm supposed to still live strong, independently, and love the same despite you having him as your main pillar of support simply because he's your colleague and knows how to deal and help with your issues.

I'm at a crossroads right now. I don't know if today is the answer God is giving me, to show me who I should work on. Maybe it is. I have been living in the high with her the past few days, I have completely forgotten the emotional turmoil you put me through on 2nd March. Maybe I should remove myself from this emotional roller coaster and work on what I already have with my marriage instead.

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