Final Goodbye

 After crashing on your bed after consuming your meds last night, I got woken up at 8AM when you finally came back after staying over at his place. I wanted to head home and not bother you but I was extremely drowsy and unable to walk straight. So I stayed, and tried to find out what happened. Apparently, you claimed you only accepted to be his girlfriend after you decided to stayover. You said you were coming back at 1150PM last night, but when I told you I was having a panic attack and need some help, you decided to disappear. I guess that was when you decided to head back to his place and when you agreed to be his. It's honestly a little hard to believe how sudden it is, and how I was left to fend for my panic attack alone, collapsed at the carpark, while you had the time of your life gaining a new boyfriend.

Either way, I am forced to accept that this is what it is. We still had to continue with our plan for the day which was to go over to your new house to wait for a delivery of taobao tiles, and to serve in church and dinner. So at 10 I headed home to prepare. You came over to pick me up and head over to your new house, where we waited until 3PM for the tiles to arrive. We didn't get to spend much memorable time there together, because you were mostly in a bad mood whenever I asked anything related to him. The only joyous moment was when I was wheeling you around with the trolley, and hugging you with great proudness that your tiles came intact and that you pulled it off.

You then drove us over to church, where we had more conversations in the car about him, which you weren't interested in and ended up screaming at me again. This caused a panic attack where I couldn't breathe and cry but you decided to pray for me at that moment and somehow it worked.

We then went to serve in church and after service, decided to head to your place to tabao food. When we parked, I asked if we could talk things out properly but you were still in a bad mood so you suggested to get a drink alone while I waited by the river near your house. When you came back, you were much calmer and we were able to talk quite a fair bit, to understand all the past hurts you had from me which you claim I'm unable to fix despite bringing it up all the time. But you still held on to these hurts, you constantly talk about your own hurts without realising I had mine too, and I chose to let them go. You said I pushed you over the edge this week, but I asked us to look back, you said everything was actually okay. You said I wasn't clingy, I didn't do things you didn't like, I encouraged you and told you that you did well, but all these didn't matter to you. You said they weren't things you needed or wanted from me.

The final conclusion is when you said it's something that will hurt me. You said this is what you want. You told me "I want you out of my life even though I don't want to, but it is something that should be done even though I'll worry about you being alone." You were also angry that I was taking up your time to talk about these when you could actually be at home with your cat considering how you neglected him the previous night when you stayed over.

Well, I guess that sums up this whole 3 months worth of dating again, ever since early January. You claim that having me out of your life is different from cutting me out from your life, and that not having me in your life doesn't mean you'll stop loving me. I don't know whether to believe it or not, but at this point in time, I think it's time for me to stop.

In today's sermon at church, I was directing it hence it gave me a chance to listen to everything clearly. Pst Zhuang talked about finding a pillar of support, and also to resist temptations with divorce. I believe this is a strong message for me, to wake me up from all these nonsense. Because you also said that you will never be my pillar of support. You'll want to prioritise yourself first and you'll need to see your mood before deciding if you can help me and be my pillar for that day. Honestly, that sounds no different from a fair-weathered friend. You'll only want me at my best, and not at my worst. You said you knew that if you were to be my pillar of support, you know we'll both be able to get out of this stronger together, and that being my support will grow us stronger as a couple, but you aren't willing to do it for me.

The strangest and most hurtful thing happened next. I went home, chilled, and decided to cycle over to just see how you were, even when I shouldn't. I guess this was the biggest mistake because I realised your car isn't there in your carpark. You had gone over to stayover at his place again. I then drove over and searched every carpark in the newer Canberra because that's where you said he stayed at, but I couldn't find you car. Maybe he stays at the older estate, I'm not too sure. I don't know what I can accomplish by driving over and trying to find your car, and it was pointless considering how I couldn't. But I drove back to your place and indeed, despite it being 4AM, your car still isn't there and you're not home. You're with him. The cat was just an excuse for you to get rid of me so that you could go over earlier and spend more time with him. And stupid me, decided to still head up to your window and stick post-its in the shape of a heart. Because stupid me again, decided to go over in the afternoon the next day (27 March), only to see you still weren't home at 1PM. That's honestly quite a huge stab in my heart. It's quite obvious that he is your priority, and I'm no longer someone who matters to you. I'm not someone you wanna go through life with.

But well, the final conclusion is that I'm not supposed to be in your life anymore. No more meet ups, no more texts.

I guess, this is the end of our second chance. We blew it, again.

Wrong timing again, or is this the Will of God? I wish God would let me know.

Maybe it's time to move on.